Life, now........

Hey guys,
 Wow......this is rough!   I wanted to do a post and let you all know how I......how we.....are doing.

I have definitely seen happier days. I feel like a great big chunk of my heart is missing. I miss my sweet little boy.......I miss him so much! I have good days......and then I have sad ones......you know the ones that you just want to hide in a hole, escaping the world, avoiding anything and everything......those days suck! I think about Kaizen every day. I never ever wanted to know what life would be like without him.......I never wanted to think about the days before he was here.......and now I am living it. My days are so different now. It's not as fun to wake up in the mornings, I don't have a beautiful hungry boy awaiting me to pick him up and I miss that so much. I miss his smiles, his laughs, his angelic personality.

Our first night at our home here in Sidney was tough. We avoided his room for a week or two and then finally decided to walk in. It was hard to see all of his clothes, all of his toys. Looking at his changing table I imagined changing his diapers. Something mothers could never imagine missing. I miss it so much. I am glad we went in though. I am glad I don't have to avoid that room. It was probably harder to walk into our bedroom, that is where he slept, that is where I often fed him while sitting in the rocking chair. That is where he sat in his swing, laid on our bed, or sat in his jumper, watching mommy while she got ready. I miss snuggling with him......he loved snuggling with us and I absolutely loved it. The house smelt like him.

I don't want to make this post sound depressing.....I don't feel depressed.....just sad sometimes. I do want to focus on the good days though, which I think out -weigh the sad. Just because I have good days, doesn't mean I am not thinking about him......I am being totally serious when I say I think about him every day. On the good days I am thinking about all of the memories.....11 months worth......that we had together. I think about his laugh, and I laugh. I think about his smile, and I smile. I think about all of the things he was able to experience...... he got to go to the zoo, he went to a water park and played in the wave pool with me, he got to go for a canoe ride, he got to watch his first General Conference while being annoyingly kissed by his mom, he got to dance with his mom and dad, he got to play at the park, he got to experience, winter, spring, summer, and fall, he got to experience every holiday, he was able to go to church and help his mommy and daddy teach the young kids, he got to go fishing (still in the womb.....still counts), he was a model......(I have tons and tons and tons of pictures to prove it), he has visited 5 states Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, Idaho,  and Utah. He rode in a cool stroller and went on tons of walks. He got to ride in a sports car (shhhh!), he went shopping, he got to ride in a plane, he has done so much, even more that I can't think of right now. He experienced life and I am so thankful I was able to be a part of it.

I think about how I still can't believe we had an angel living in our home. Not the symbolization of an angel. I truly believe he was a literal angel. He was perfect. And how blessed were we.......are we rather to have gotten the chance to raise him for 11 months in this world, and the fact that we will be able to finish raising him in the next life. I cannot express in words the impact Kaizen has left in our lives, in our hearts. I want to be a better person, I want to help people. I want to inspire people...........because of him.

I decided to make the un-regrettable decision to speak at Kaizen's funeral......and I am so glad I did. I want to share with you that talk.......

September 22nd was an incredibly sad day for us here on Earth. The pain we felt and still feel is so intense it feels like our hearts were ripped right in half........because they were. Kaizen took a big part of our hearts with him, that no, nothing, will ever be able to replace. But as we down on Earth are grieving, sorrowful, and in so much pain.......heaven is rejoicing, for God's angel has returned home where he belongs with his loving Heavenly Father and family that have missed him so.

Kaizen was perfect, his soul was just too perfect for this world. But we must come to Earth to obtain a body to be able to fulfill the Plan of Salvation. Josh and I feel so incredibly, beyond words blessed that Kaizen chose us as his parents. When in Heaven before he made his arrival in this world he saw the life he would be living, the body he would receive, the family he would inherit, and the fate that he would endure. He chose this life even after what he saw because it was important to him to return to our Heavenly Father.

I am sure a lot of you have been followers of my blog so you know how big of a part Kaizen played in my life........he is my life. That baby was the reason I woke up in the mornings, the reason for my smile, the reason for my laugh, and also the reason for my tears.

When we got to take him home after the first three weeks of his life spent in Great Falls, Montana, I was so happy, there has never been a better day. I was thrilled to be able to play the role of a mother that I feel I was destined from the beginning to play. Everything was perfect, we were a family, we were so happy. When his oxygen came off after a couple of weeks of being home we were so excited. He started to grow and we were the lucky ones that got to help and watch. Kaizen was never able to sit, never able to crawl, never able to play with toys, but he didn't need to. His beautiful smile and contagious laugh made up for it all. After being in the Hospital in August we were warned by the doctors of a possible degenerative brain disease and were fully aware that his life span would be shorter than that of a normal child. It was hard for us to hear but we wanted to try live day by day and not try to predict the future. When we were life-flighted back to Primary Children's the first of September we were told that his brain had shrunk from the two months when we were there in June. We didn't know how long he had left but the doctors weren't very hopeful for a positive outcome. We tried to stay positive. After overwhelming thoughts and long talks that often led nowhere, we decided to visit the Temple and O how I am so glad we did. With the options we had and the decisions we were faced, we felt at peace with the outcome that could very well lie ahead. After they took the breathing tube out they immediately put him on a bi-pap machine and we were so happy with his tolerance for being off of the breathing tube. Because he was doing so well they eventually switched to the c-pap mode. We had hope that he would continue to do great and we would be able to take him home. But then he started to get worse, he started retaining a lot of co2, they switched him back to the bi-pap and wasn't hopeful for his recovery. On September 22nd at 6:30 a.m. we got a call saying that it wasn't looking good. We got to the hospital and discovered they had kept turning the venilaltor up during the night but he was still retaining co2. We called our families and told them to come because it wouldn't be long. Kaizen passed at 9:42 that night in my arms surrounded by his family. He was comfortable, he was peaceful, and now he is so so happy smiling down on us saying mom and dad.....you should see this place.

I am so grateful to have the gospel in my life and to be able to know that we will be able to raise him in the next life. I know he is in a better place and I know that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and all of his family that has gone before were waiting for him with open arms so excited to see his beautiful smiling face that we are going to miss so much.

I know time and God is on our side with the healing that we will need to endure this life. Kaizen will always be a part of us and will absolutely never be forgotten. I am so excited to share with his siblings of the pureness and joy to all, that he was.

I hope you may all learn to not take life for granted, to be thankful for your blessings, and grateful for your trials. Give your children hugs and kisses, hold them tight and let them know how much they mean to you. You never know when a life could be taken to help with the war in Heaven. Let us never forget the privilege and blessing we had to get to witness what a little piece of Heaven looks like.

Beginnings are usually scary, and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I am so glad I made the choice to speak; I know I would have wished I would of if I didn't. :)

It is amazing how the Lord works though......going through what we are is difficult at times. The Lord knows it, he is always watching and listening.......and helping. The General Conference was amazing to me......The Lord was talking to us through people he can trust.

I loved all the talks so much......Elder Shayne M. Bowen of the Seventy really touched me though.
The following story is one that he shared in his talk,

"On February 4 of 1990, our third son and sixth child was born. We named him Tyson. He was a beautiful little boy, and the family greeted him with open hearts and open arms. His brothers and sisters were so proud of him. We all thought he was the most perfect little boy who had ever been born.

When Tyson was eight months old, he aspirated a piece of chalk that he had found on the carpet. The chalk lodged in Tyson’s throat, and he quit breathing. His older brother brought Tyson upstairs, frantically calling, “The baby won’t breathe. The baby won’t breathe.” We began to administer CPR and called 911.

The paramedics arrived and rushed Tyson to the hospital. In the waiting room we continued in fervent prayer as we pled to God for a miracle. After what seemed a lifetime, the doctor came into the room and said, “I am so sorry. There is nothing more we can do. Take all the time you need.” She then left.
As we entered the room where Tyson lay, we saw our lifeless little bundle of joy. It seemed as though he had a celestial glow around his little body. He was so radiant and pure.

At that moment it felt as if our world had come to an end. How could we return to the other children and somehow try to explain that Tyson wasn’t coming home?

I will speak in the singular as I relate the rest of this experience. My angel wife and I experienced this trial together, but I am inadequate in expressing the feelings of a mother and would not even try to do so.

It is impossible to describe the mixture of feelings that I had at that point in my life. Most of the time I felt as if I were in a bad dream and that I would soon wake up and this terrible nightmare would be over. For many nights I didn’t sleep. I often wandered in the night from one room to the other, making sure that our other children were all safe.

Feelings of guilt racked my soul. I felt so guilty. I felt dirty. I was his father; I should have done more to protect him. If only I would have done this or that. Sometimes even today, 22 years later, those feelings begin to creep into my heart, and I need to get rid of them quickly because they can be destructive.

About a month after Tyson died, I had an interview with Elder Dean L. Larsen. He took the time to listen to me, and I will always be grateful for his counsel and love. He said, “I don’t think the Lord would want you to punish yourself for the death of your little boy.” I felt the love of my Heavenly Father through one of his chosen vessels.

However, tormenting thoughts continued to plague me, and I soon began to feel anger. “This isn’t fair! How could God do this to me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” I even felt myself get angry with people who were just trying to comfort us. I remember friends saying, “I know how you feel.” I would think to myself, “You have no idea how I feel. Just leave me alone.” I soon found that self-pity can also be very debilitating. I was ashamed of myself for having unkind thoughts about dear friends who were only trying to help.

As I felt the guilt, anger, and self-pity trying to consume me, I prayed that my heart could change. Through very personal sacred experiences, the Lord gave me a new heart, and even though it was still lonely and painful, my whole outlook changed. I was given to know that I had not been robbed but rather that there was a great blessing awaiting me if I would prove faithful.

My life started to change, and I was able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair. I testify that this life is not the end. The spirit world is real. The teachings of the prophets regarding life after death are true. This life is but a transitory step forward on our journey back to our Heavenly Father.

Tyson has remained a very integral part of our family. Through the years it has been wonderful to see the mercy and kindness of a loving Father in Heaven, who has allowed our family to feel in very tangible ways the influence of Tyson. I testify that the veil is thin. The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified.

Sometimes people will ask, “How long did it take you to get over it?” The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection.

“For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;
“And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.”

But in the meantime, as the Savior taught, we can continue with good cheer.

"I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost."

"What a glorious blessing this is in our lives. Wouldn’t it be tragic if we didn’t feel great sorrow when we lose a child? How grateful I am to my Father in Heaven that He allows us to love deeply and love eternally. How grateful I am for eternal families. How grateful I am that He has revealed once again through His living prophets the glorious plan of redemption."

"Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket—wondering if your heart would break.
I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:
“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

“Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.”"

His story softened my heart and as I listened I kept thinking of how amazing God is and how he knows of our grief and sends messages to others to help us through.

Prophet Joseph Smith taught,
“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

This brought me to tears as I thought how Kaizen is not in a world of evil and sadness but a happy, pure, and beautiful world. Josh's has helped me so much realize that of all the children we will hopefully be blessed with.....we already have one that made it back to Heavenly Father. We don't have to worry about him. As we grow and raise our other children, we will worry about the choices they make and if they will chose to keep the commandments. I am so thankful that we already have one of our children waiting for us with Heavenly Father......the only thing I have to worry about now is making sure I live righteously so I can make it to him.

I have heard the words, "a year struggle" I really want to clarify that..... The year we had him was anything but a struggle. I really don't like that word. Our year was filled with joy. There were hospital visits, medicines, and some other things that made it harder sometimes. But when I look back at the year we were able to spend with Kaizen. The word that comes to my mind is blessing. Heavenly Father blessed us with time. Time with one of his angels. I keep thinking of how he is with Heavenly Father right now and how I couldn't have imagined a better babysitter.

I love Kaizen.....I love him so much. I will see him again and on that day I will rejoice. I want you all to know that I love talking about my baby. If you run into me somewhere I don't want you to be afraid and "safe" with your words when it comes to him. Talk about him, laugh at the things he did, smile when you see pictures of his glorious smile. I don't want to not talk about him....he may not be here physically but his spirit is wherever we are. I talk to him often and I know he is listening. I have pictures all around the house so to never forget his beautifully pure face.

We are so grateful for all of you that have kept our family in your thoughts and prayers. It still amazes me of how many people KZ affected........and still affects even on the other side of the veil.

Wreath I made out of all Kazien's flowers from the funeral.

Well....not all but most.

Mom, Kristina, and Kassidy helped. :)

Cast of Kaizen's hand while still in the hospital

Cast of Kaizen's feet while still in the hospital

The Sidney Bishop's wife made this cute picture for Josh and I.

It says, " The best way to have a piece of Heaven in your Home,

is to have piece of your Home in Heaven.

I love this so much.

Kaizen collage on our fridge :)

:)