Hope and Faith

Well it's been kinda hectic here.......at least it seems that way anyway. Josh's mom flew in to watch two of her grandkids while their parents were away and to visit the other two. We had dinner together a few nights and I got to practice my cooking skills! I always love being able to do that. I would say cooking is definitely my forte!

I got the privilege of watching my two month old nephew TeeLie for a few days! He is such a cutie, I love him! I think him and Kaiz will be best buddies.......

I love watching TeeLie......it definitely makes it known to me that I want lots of kids, lots of mini me's and mini Josh's to make memories with!

We are planning on leaving here to go to Utah on the 7th of this month and we are so excited! I have already started making Kaizen's packing list because if I don't, you guys, things will be left and forgotten......

As I was making my list......I flipped the page and this is what I found..........

Such a sweetie!

I thought I would share what has been going on with our little KZ.......... I want to share this not because I want sympathy or for people to say poor girl......but to help other moms out there that might be going through a similiar time in their life with their little one or ones, let them know that Yes it is scary and Yes it is hard but we must have faith and never stop having faith. 

When we left the NICU in Great Falls three weeks after our little miracle entered this world, we were told that Kaizen is at risk for a few things, things that seemed so high-tech and medical termed I didn't understand. We were told that he would probably be developmentally delayed. At the time all these things were irrelevant to me.......I was too wrapped in the fact that we finally were getting to take him to our home, show him his room, try out our rocking chair that all of the "at risk" things were just less of priority............at the time.......

Now Kaizen is 7 months old.......he is developmentally delayed, we can see it, we can feel it. He is having these spasm things that wake him up every night sometimes twice a night crying. Which you have to understand how odd this is because A. Kaizen hardly ever cries, and B. he was sleeping all night until just about a month or two ago. He is still very stiff and holds his hands in fists a lot. What he is doing.............and what he isn't doing................ is worrying us. It's making it hard to sleep at night sometimes wondering what his future might hold. None of the doctors here is Sidney seem to know exactly why these things are happening to him, nobody has told us what it could be. Unforturnatly I have had to research things myself and doing that......frankly was scaring the heck out of me. I have read up on these things that he is having and finding what it could be. He has symptoms for this but not for that happens a lot in my research. I know I probably shouldn't be looking things up because all it is going to do is scare me, but I feel I need to because if there is something I can do to help him.......the sooner I find out the better! We are going to take Kaizen in to Primary Childrens Hospital when we are in Utah, it is such a great and smart hospital, we hope they can answer some questions. Just get down to the bottom of things.

With his stiffness, I excercise and stretch his muscles three times a day. When he has his spasms at night, Josh or I pick him up and rock him until they stop (which is about 3 to 5 minutes).

We really have no idea what is going to happen, a lot of people say that he will grow out of the spasms and that he will catch up developmentally by 1 or 2 years of age. This is our hope.

There at first I was in a dark place, I wondered why did God do this to us, what did we do wrong. I wondered if there is in fact something wrong what if people stare and judge us.

 But now as I think and pray about what is happening I am humbled. This is NOT a punishment, but a blessing. God and Kaizen chose me and Josh to be his parents, he chose us because he knew we could handle it, because we have so much love to give him. I am truly honored to have him as my son. I couldn't imagine anything different. I am mad at myself now for thinking any of the things I thought before. God is testing our faith and we will endure to the end. I don't know what Kaizen's future will hold, I don't know what he will or will not be able to do. It's too soon to really tell. But I do know that I will give him the best life possible, he is and will be happy for the rest of his life. This is my goal! He is our miracle and I am so excited to spend eternity with him!

We are told that in this life we must find our talents.........Before I had a child I thought talents?? hmmm... Well I can do a backflip thats a pretty cool talent! O but I was missing the point.......I know my talent now. Being a great mom. I dont think there is a greater talent out there for me.

I want you all to understand, I am not ashamed of what may happen with my beautiful son and that I am going to show him off like he is a precious gold band around my wrist becuase he is. He is precious. He is perfect.