New Year

Happy New Year!

I am welcoming 2015 with open arms. I am ready for a new year.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know something exciting will be happening this year...

Not a surprise, very much planned, and so exciting!

I actually feel many emotions about this... scared, happy, ecstatic, worried... but mostly just so darn thankful!

I will soon be a mommy of three and I just love that.

We had such a fun Christmas and I loved watching Kanzis during all of it.

But I thought about Kaizen...a lot!

I hate the word miss....it just doesn't say enough, doesn't describe at all how it feels to be apart from him. But yet, it's the only word I can think of.

I was going through pictures of him today, and it was hard. It was hard for me today to see that sweet smile that I only get to ever see in pictures. It was hard to see me holding him but not feel him in my arms. Not kiss him. To not be able to hear his breath and feel his heartbeat.

As tears rolled down my cheeks while I whispered "I miss you so much" was when I realized that word is just not enough.

I miss you so much Kaizen, I can't breath and sometimes just don't want to.

I miss you so much Kaizen, I can't remember what I was suppose to do for the rest of the day.

I miss you so much Kaizen, my heart literally hurts, I can feel it.

I miss you so much Kaizen, I wish we weren't apart, I wish life could have been different. I wish you were here with me, or I was there with you. I miss you.

That is all isn't it, that's all I can say. 

Just know, the word miss, means so much more to me than how insubstantial it sounds.

But I remember why I couldn't go with him, every time I look at my beautiful, breathtaking, radiant daughter, I am reminded why I had to stay. Every time I feel a little kick in my tummy, I am reminded why I couldn't leave. And that gives me hope.

Days like today, they are sad, they are dark. Not because of him, because of me. Because sometimes I feel I am not ready to be without him.

She brings light. She brings me the knowledge that we will see him again. That he had somewhere he had to be and we just aren't ready to join him yet. To be thankful for the time we get here, with each other in God's beautiful land.

She is so wise, she doesn't even know how she helps me get through today.

Today, I am thankful for pictures. I am thankful for memories. I am thankful for my blog that I get to read back on the days when he was here with us. I am thankful for my perfect little girl who is so wise beyond her years. I am thankful for a perfect little boy who is in Heaven watching over us I am thankful for what he taught us in just 11 wonderful months we had with him. I am thankful for a growing baby in my stomach, and being able to feel little movements that are so overwhelming at times. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother, to witness tiny miracles from the very beginning. I am thankful for a loving husband who is always by my side, who supports me in every decision I make, who comforts me on hard days like today. I am thankful for loving parents who gave me my life and raised me into the person I am today. I am thankful for my sisters and how I can tell them anything. I am thankful for my friends and how just being with them makes me feel so overjoyed. I am thankful for my heart and how much love it can hold.

This year will be good. It will be something to remember. It will be happy.

And even if sad times should arise, we will get through them. Because we are strong.

I don't know if you guys remember my post about the happy moments of 2014 jar.... you can find it here and just scroll down to the very bottom. We got to read every thing we put in that jar on New Years Eve and it was so fun to read all of the things that made us happy. We will be doing it again this year!

Though we may endure hard trials, there is always something to be thankful for.

May 2015 be a blessing to you. to us.