Yesterday...and other things

Gosh, it’s been over a month since I have updated! Sad. We have been quite busy. I am so glad I have this blog, I don’t realize how much I love writing until I haven’t done it in a while. I feel as though, I don’t so much want this blog as much as I need it. I feel so much better after I do a little venting. 

I will start where I left off last and that is with Herbalife! I am so glad it is in my life. I love the healthier and happier me! I am still continuing to loose weight which is awesome, but more than that I just love being healthy! Josh started it with me and he loves it too!  I love that he is doing it with me, it just makes it more fun. I also have family members who are doing it too! Being an Herbalife Wellness Coach has definitely encouraged me to be more outgoing. I am still working on it and trying to share how truly wonderful and life changing it is. I am still a little shy and I definitely don’t like pushing things on people so I’m just sharing my story and how Herbalife has changed my life personally.  

 We are getting quite the collection going!

I feel like we spent a lot of time in Utah this past month. We got to watch my Uncle and new Aunt get married in the Jordan River Temple. They are truly a beautiful couple and I am so happy for them. Yay for eternity!

On Saturday, August 2^nd, we went to the Kamas rec center and had a little pool party for Jack’s birthday. It was so fun. Jack is seriously the cutest kid! And he can literally make friends anywhere!  He is so outgoing and full of life. I just love him.

Kanzy's big (but oh so cute) head got in the way of sweet Kin-Kin. 

After our swimming fun, we left to go get ready for the derby in Coalville. It was an awesome derby this year! Kanzis actually watched the cars quite a bit which was cute. I was worried how she would handle the loud noises but she did great!

We went to Lagoon with Jake, Kass, Kin-Kin, aka, baby Kinley, and Rylee. Kanzis obviously couldn’t ride a lot of kiddie rides and the ones that she could we didn’t realize that she had to pay to ride…dumb, but anyway she did get to ride one ride, because the lady never said anything about paying and I didn’t find out until after when we went to take her on another ride so we’ll take it…

  This ride was free and we obviously rode the giraffe...duh! :)

 We sure had fun. I am so excited for when Kanzis is bigger and can ride more rides.

After Lagoon, we went the rodeo in Coalville. I didn’t think I would like it but it was quite enjoyable. Kanzy loved it too. It was so cute, during the National Anthem she was “singing” along…loud. Thankfully everyone around us thought it was cute too.

We had our annual Pentz reunion last weekend. Oh my. So much fun! I love our reunions! We went to Downata Hot Springs in Downey, Idaho like we have for the past few years and we seriously have so much fun! Josh and I made a giant Jenga game as one of the challenges to play in our game "Pentz Survivor". For the other challenges we just did a bunch of minute to win it games. So much fun...

 

 It sure was a fun game!

 Dancin' the Boot Scootin' Boogie!

The boys were in charge of bacon and sausage

Who gave her red licorice?! lol

They will cherish this picture one day! I love my Grandpa!

Boys playing football! And Paula...she's awesome! :)

Can't wait for next year! :)

Here is a couple pictures I have edited, I'm trying some new stuff out... it's been fun!

 Here is the month by months of us (some again) I only took to the 9 months, Obviously I was too fat and miserable to take a 10 month one! lol

So yesterday...oh yesterday.

Yesterday Kanzis was the exact same age that Kaizen was when he returned to Heaven. Boy that's a tough one. I am so happy that I have a happy healthy baby girl, I can't even begin to tell you how happy she makes me. But I miss that sweet boy of mine. I feel like the word "miss" is an understatement of the century! Not only was I thinking of him so strongly last night, but I got on Facebook and read a blog about a little boy that just passed away, I think he was 8 months old. As I read that post, I could not hold back my tears. I could not hold back my emotions. I lost it.

It was all too familiar to me and my heart aches for his family. I wish I could say "I can't imagine what they are going through" but unfortunately I can. I know exactly how they feel. Even though it was his sweet little heart, and my babies sweet little brain. I found so many similarities in the situation. I wish I could hug them. Gosh life can be hard.

I hurt. It's still hard. But I don't want it to be easy, I don't want not to hurt. I don't want him fogotten. If I hurt, that means I can still feel him, that means he is still there.

Kanzis and I went shopping yesterday for our family pictures coming up. I usually go straight to the little girls section in any clothing store, trying not to look at the little boy clothes at all. Yesterday was different. I walked through the boys section. I actually found an outfit that would have looked perfect on Kaizen for our pictures. I instantly thought about what it would have been like taking a little almost 3 year old and an 11 month old shopping with me. Would it have been a challenge? Would he be running around like a little boy would and Kanzy just laughing? Would I have been stressed? I wanted it. I wanted all of it so badly. I wouldn't have cared how stressed I was, I wouldn't have minded calling at him to stay by me, I wouldn't have cared becasue they were both here with me.

Sometimes we take such little things for granted. Even yelling at your little ones to come back, stay by your mommy, something so little, I would give anything for that with him.

It will be two years next month that he has been gone... two years. People told us with time it will get easier. Which I can't say they are totally wrong. I can talk about him now without crying (most times). But the more you think about it. Time can be cruel. The more time goes by, the longer we have been a part. And thinking about that doesn't make it easy for me.

I got my hair done yesterday, and like I knew it would, the topic came up. "How many kids do you have?" I always reply the same... "I have two. One is in heaven." Then that just sparks curiosity. Which I don't mind...at all. Not now anyway. Boy at first I would avoid that question at all costs. So I explained to her a little about him and what happened. The conversation turned and we started talking about other things. Every once in a while we would talk about kids again and I would talk about Kaizen. How we loved his smile and laugh. The happy things he did. She ended up asking me if it is hard for me to talk about him, she said I seemed like I was comfortable with it. I told her I love talking about him, and I will any chance I get.

I am proud of my baby boy and like I have said before, I am not ready to not include him in my life. I will never be ready. How could I not include that angel baby?!
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"Half of my heart is in Heaven with my angel"   Oh how true that is!