The Dream.....

So on May 6th we had an ultrasound and I gotta tell you I was kind of hoping the ultrasound tech would accidentally spill the beans on the gender! I have been pretty good with not finding out, I'm not really obsessing over it at all, not really nervous if I am going to have enough stuff if it does come out a girl because things just have their way of working out. I think I have done pretty good. But laying there on the table with that little thing maneuvering on by belly and looking at the screen and just knowing that she could tell us if it is a boy or a girl within minutes was very tempting to me!

 She asked us at the beginning before she even started if we were wanting to find out the gender and we both shook our heads and sternly, but politely, said no we do not. She smiled and continued to check everything from its cute little head to it's tiny little toes. Everything looks great and the baby is growing right on track. At the end, I asked her if she knows what the gender is. She smiled and said yes and asked if we were changing our minds. We quickly said no no we were just wondering. She just laughed but secretly in my head I was thinking yes yes just tell us....but accidentally. But alas she kept it to herself and we went home knowing nothing more about the gender than when we arrived.

If you can't tell this is a picture of the baby's head. You can see it's two eyes, it's little nose, it's lips, and if you look close enough, Josh and I think that it's chin has a little dimple in it....just like Kaizen's. :) It's little hand is right by it's cheek. It's a tiny human in there!!

We are getting excited! Four more months!

Yesterday we took our Australian Shepperd/Black Lab mix named Buckley to the lake. This dog loves the water! I am so excited for our children to grow up with him. He loves kids and will definitely try to protect them. Last year when we took him to the lake we wanted to see what he would do if I was to ever drown. So I swam out a little way and started flapping my arms and acting like I was drowning...... this amazing dog swam out to me, turned around in front of me, waited for me to grab a hold of him and swam me back to shore. Josh and I were both amazed! We wondered if it was just a coincidence so a little while later I swam back out and acted again.....and there he came again to my rescue.

A couple years before that we took him with us to Flaming Gorge, Josh and I got in the water and started swimming to the island off the shore a little way, he started swimming with us but didn't want to go all the way so he layed on the shore and waited for us. When we were coming back, Josh was swimming faster than me and reached the shore first. As he started to walk out of the water, Buckley freaked out and would not let him out. He was barking and jumping up in front of him blocking his way. It wasn't until I got out of the water that he calmed down and started acting normal again. He just wanted to make sure I was safe. I love that dog!

I really want to share with you guys of the dream I had lately. It has helped me so much in the last couple days it is unreal. I just feel like it should be shared and not just held in my head.

I think about Kaizen a thousand, if not more, times a day. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I smile, and sometimes I even let out a little giggle thinking about our times together. I miss him so so much. I struggle sometimes with letting myself be happy, letting myself enjoy new things when I know he is not here to enjoy them with me. I sometimes think what if he is looking down at us and seeing us laugh and be happy and think they must not have loved me? I struggle with this and not allowing myself to find joy in things that in the past would have. I pray every night to him and to Heavenly Father letting him know how much I love him and miss him. I pray that his is happy and that I will know this.

Heavenly Father answers our prayers! I have a personal testimony of this. The Lord knows about my struggle which brings me to my dream that I know came from Heavenly Father.....and Kaizen.

I was following this little girl up some stairs in an old, and what people called haunted house. She looked back at me and said, "you probably don't want to follow me where I am going" When I finally reached her she told me to stop and look. There was a closed door and she pointed to the bottom of the door where we saw this wisp of air come out. We both got scared and ran down the stairs. As I was about to open the door to leave the house, I was prompted to turn around. When I turned I saw this ghostly spirit coming towards me. I wasn't scared though, I felt calm. I beheld a woman, she had on an old dress, her curly brownish-red hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail. She smiled at me and I did the same. I asked her if I could shake her hand, she said yes and held out her hand but I remember not feeling anything. In my dream I thought that it was amazing that I can see this spirit standing in front of me just as I would be had it been real life. But with all the amazement I had only one thing on my mind to ask her, and so I did.

I asked her if she knew Kaizen? Kaizen Bolinder? She smiled at me and said yes. I smiled with tears in my eyes and asked her if he was happy. She told me that he is so happy. She said the day he passed away there were so many people waiting for him in heaven. More than he was expecting. I felt a sudden peace come over my body. I remember asking one more time, so he is happy? She gave me that reconfirming smile and answered, yes. That is all I remember of that dream. I think I woke up after that.

When I awoke, I didn't remember the dream right away. It wasn't until Josh was telling me about the book he was reading that the dream made itself known in my mind.

I have felt different these last few days. Like I know without a shadow of a doubt that Kaizen is happy. That he wants us to be happy. That he wants me to find joy and allow myself to open up to the world again, to allow myself to laugh without feeling guilty, to know that he is not looking down saddened by our laughter but rejoices at it. I feel so blessed. I feel like I have a good life, a happy life....something I haven't felt since that angel left this world. I would love to say my life is perfect, but perfect means trial free, sin free, evil free, and that's just not the case. I have trials in my life, and there is sin and evil all around us but I feel blessed to have the life I have been given. I feel blessed to know that at least one of my children made it back to Heavenly Father. I am ever so blessed to have the gospel in my life and to know of a surety of the power of prayer.

I feel also after writing that I should share another experience.

I think a lot about how much I want Kaizen to be with us when we have this baby, how I want to feel like our family is whole and how I just want to feel him there with me. I had a dream about a week ago that we were in the delivery room and they put the baby in my arms, I remember feeling so happy but not completely. After holding the baby for a few seconds I glanced up and I saw Jesus Christ holding Kaizen in the corner of the room. He was in a white robe and they were both softly glowing. Jesus smiled at me and I stared and smiled back and felt happiness completely. In my dream, I remember telling Josh what I saw afraid that he wouldn't believe me. But he had no question that I saw them and he wept and hugged me and the baby feeling that complete happiness too.

This made me so happy and when I awoke and told Josh of it I wished so much that it had happened in real life. But maybe the dream was all I needed to be assured that when that time does come, he will be there, whether I see him or not.

When I look at this picture it makes me think of what angels must look like.

I love his beautiful glowing face. So pure.

I want to thank all of you for coming in to our lives. I truly feel like people come into our lives for a reason, always for a reason, even if we go our whole lives without knowing it.

When you start feeling like your life isn't the best. The best advice I have is to first pray. Pray, pray, pray! And then start counting your blessings. Remember all of the things you do have and all of the things that bless your life. Hug your beautiful children, tell them that you love them. Let them be silly and do things that irritate you. Be patient and kind. Give your spouse a kiss and go out on a date. Marry that person that you know you won't be able to live without. Tell your mom and dad how much they mean to you. After all...........the only thing that we have left when we leave this world, the only thing that we get to take with us to the other side of the veil, is our families.