& The greatest of these is love: SoMe NeWs....and my thoughts

So I thought I would just start with a little update in what has been happening in our lives... We haven't really been doing much mostly because it's still pretty cold outside but we did just get back from Utah visiting our families. Josh went lion hunting and got a pretty good sized female! He sent me some pictures of the lion before he shot it...after I saw the lion in the tree I just thought about how I would have been so scared if I were there and saw that! I asked him if he was nervous and he said his heart was pounding a bit. Oh I could only imagine.

I went to the paint mixer in Park City with two of my sisters, my aunt, and some other nice ladies. It was so fun. I was nervous as to how my painting would turn out because I don't paint, I don't think I have ever really sat down to paint something, but I have to tell you...it was the most relaxing thing I have done in a while. The lady just showed us how to do the painting step by step, then she would play music and let us just paint away, changing anything to how we wanted it. It was awesome and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to try something different.

left: Kassidy's middle: mine right: Kristina's

A few weeks ago was my nephew's baptism. I love being able to watch a baptism even more so when it is a family member, it is so personal and I could just feel my heart smile. It is wonderful to be able to witness such an amazing thing and watch how a proud father gets to baptise is own child. I just know the Lord was there and so happy for them that day.

So onto "my thoughts" as mentioned in the title. I have been thinking of a lot of things and while I could just leave all of these thoughts in my head....I would much rather share them with you.

I have been pondering so much about my baby Kaizen. I think about him every day but lately I have been thinking about the little things about him, the happy things, the sad things, just every tiny thing about him. I miss him so much and some days it is so hard for me to get out of bed and face the day without him. I know where he is, I am not worried about how he is doing because I know he is just fine. It's thinking about how he was when he was here and how the memories and pictures I have is all I have to live on for the rest of my life.....and it sucks! While I see these pictures of all the grand kids and great grand kids that our grandparents have hanging on the wall in their houses, I look at all the different facial features of each child.....I see my Kaizen's picture sitting there with all the rest and it hurts knowing that each of those pictures will change into older children with different faces except his. His will remain the same, nothing changed.

I remember having a conversation with my dad when I was a young teenager. I remember him saying to me that when people die, their families are so sad, that they wish the world would stop turning but it doesn't, that they have to move on, they keep that lost loved one in their heart and they keep living. After Josh and I have gone through this, in loosing our son, I can see that my dad was right. That the world doesn't stop turning, that we have to keep living and that is honestly the hardest part. Keep living.....keep getting up in the morning, going to work, going to the grocery store, having a conversation with someone without tears in your eyes.....it's so hard.

I know that people who haven't....thankfully...had to loose a child, don't know what we are feeling, what we are going through, and the only way I can think to explain it to someone is to have them think about a nightmare they have had of their kids.....because I know as parents, most of us have had them.....that nightmare when something happens to your precious little ones and you can't breathe, you feel so sick, and you can't stop crying....but then you wake up and realize it was all a dream and run to kiss your children thankful they are still here. The difference is.....we don't get to wake up.....we don't get to sit up thinking thank goodness that was a dream. We live it every morning. Our daily routines are completely different than when Kaizen was here. I remember a blog I wrote a long time ago....feeling so happy, thinking about how I couldn't remember my life before Kaizen and I didn't really care to because I didn't want that life before him. I honestly never thought I would have to live it again. But here I am, here we are, living that life.

I hope I am not sounding like I want sympathy or anything because that is not my intentions, these are just my thoughts and even though it has almost been half a year since he went to live with Heavenly Father, it is still so hard. I miss everything about that little boy. He still is touching people's lives though, I still here about people who have been affected by the little angel Josh and I created and it makes me so happy. He had such a grand purpose on this Earth and Heavenly Father knew that he wouldn't need to be here long. I can feel Kaizen's love for me and Josh. I know he wants us to keep living, and I know he has helped Heavenly Father bless us with this......

annddd......for the "some news" part. We are expecting another little one in September......if it wants to come on it's due date it will be on the 16th. I really need to quick take my 3 month picture....oops. I am not quite four months yet so we are good! I know Kaizen has helped Heavenly Father pick us someone amazing.

I have to share with you the day we found out. I don't remember if I had mentioned how we found out with Kaizen but long story short, Josh told me I was pregnant....I took the test thought it said negative and into the trash it went. Josh came home and I told him I took one but it was negative but he wanted to see it and low and behold he showed me that it was actually positive....silly me! With this baby....sorry about the TMI....but I felt like my period was going to come because I was getting back aches like I normally do. Josh just told me he had a feeling I was pregnant and I kept telling him......my back hurts so I am pretty sure I am not. He urged me to take a pregnancy test and so I did.....he was right again. He was laying on the bed and I was in the bathroom.....he was just waiting.....I opened the door with tears in my eyes and told him it was positive. We both started crying, it was so emotional, I could just feel the love we had for each other and I could feel Kaizen crying with joy with us. We immediately bent to our knees and said a prayer to our Lord in Heaven thanking him for what he has done and praying for health for this little miracle.

How we are feeling..... well this baby....along with Kaizen was planned and I have to tell you....that was the longest three months of my life. I am not going to even feel sorry for myself because I know people try and try for years and months is nothing to them. I love those people and pray for them so much. I know Heavenly Father felt it was time for us to have another one and if he needed to give us three months that is fine with me. We are nervous but we are trying to be as happy as possible. We are scared because we don't want to have to do this again but we are trying to stay positive and reassuring each other that all will be okay.

I love Kaizen so much and sometimes worry how much love will be left to give, but he constantly reassures me there is more.....even when he is in Heaven he helps it grow. I love this baby so much all ready and I haven't even seen it's face.

We are planning on not finding out the gender....making it a surprise. We have names picked out either way and now we are just waiting for September. I find myself wishing Kaizen was here and wishing he could be celebrating this wonderful thing with us, but I know that he has already had conversations with this little one, already told him/her about who we are and what we are all about. I can see him reassuring this baby that we are good, that we will take care of him/her....love it, care for it, protect it, do all we can for it. What a wonderful big brother he is. I can't wait to keep updating on this baby and it's progress and mine. I am happy. We are happy. And we know Kaizen is happy.

I am so thankful I have Josh in my life. He has such a wonderful spirit and he is so strong for me even though I know its tough for him to be sometimes. He is my rock and he helps me up when I feel like life is just to hard to stand. With this second baby I feel as though I have a lot less energy, I get tired a lot more than usual and Josh never complains. He cooks dinner more than a man should have to especially with his job.

I had enough energy to take a picture....that's all. Lol

I can feel how much he loves me, how much he cherishes me, and how much he is so thankful I am his wife. He tells me all the time how much he needs me and doesn't know what he would do without me. He tells me these things even though dinner isn't cooked, the house isn't clean, things aren't how I normally like them because I am just too tired to do them....and he needs me?? What a wonderful man I have been blessed to have as my husband, the father of our kids. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We have been through so much together, we have been through things that can tear families apart and they have only created a bond between us that is indescribable. So many times I cry on his shoulder wondering why things happened, what could have been changed, and he always finds the words to make me feel better. Always, always bringing God into the conversation, making me remember how much he loves us, how much he has blessed us. He opens my eyes when I feel like they were almost glued shut.

I don't like to say he was a father or I was a mother because we still are. I am so excited to watch him with this baby. He was so good to Kaizen. Changing just as many diapers as me. He offered to feed him and I could see why he did. I would watch him feed Kaizen and watch them just stare at each other. I could see how much they loved each other and it melted my heart.

Believe it or not.......I am thankful for the trials in our life. I am thankful of the faith Heavenly Father has in us to put us through such trials. I am so grateful for the knowledge we have of the afterlife. We are so thankful for the Plan of Salvation. I feel as though it is the only thing that gets me through some days. I am so grateful for the gospel in our lives and being able to be married to a worthy priesthood holder. I am looking forward to being with Kaizen again. There are things that are confusing about what happens after we die but when I think about the day when Kaizen and I are reunited I see me rising up and I see my family and Jesus walking towards me, I see Jesus holding Kaizen in his arms and passing him to me and I am so happy. Kaizen and I smile and just pick up where we left off.