Our 4th and some more

Lets see where to start....
I guess I will start with how we spent our 4th of July.

We really didn't do anything too exciting. Both of Josh's brothers and their families were in Utah so we didn't get to hang out with them so we decided to buy a few sparklers and sit on the bed of our truck and watch the fireworks that were going on everywhere around town. We would just look out and see fireworks lighting up the sky from every angle, it was pretty cool. After awhile we grabbed our camp chairs and sat in our drive way and watched all of our neighbors' fireworks. It was pretty fun.

I'd be lying if I said it was the best ever because it wasn't. I had a hard time this 4th of July not having my sweet KZ with me. I remember last 4th of July we had a little get together at one of Josh's brother's house. I had Kaizen dressed up in his cute 4th outfit, he looked so adorable.....as always! There was tons of food and lots of laughter. When it was dark enough for fireworks, I wondered how Kaizen would handle it. He loved lights so I figured he would do good. I think I watched him staring at the lighted sky more than I watched the fireworks. I remember covering his ears so it wouldn't be so loud but he didn't mind, he was just staring at those beautiful lights.

This year sitting out watching the fireworks not having him to stare at as he stared at them, it was tough. I cried several times that day thinking about his beautiful blue eyes that radiated such love and purity, his sweet little laugh that brought tears to my eyes.....you know the tears....the ones that you just can't believe how happy you are and how everything around you is frozen and it's just you and him soaking up sweet bliss. Those tears I long for.

I told Josh several times how much I wish he was here with us to see this beauty, all these lights, he would have loved it. And once again, Josh being the wonderful guy he is reminded me that he is seeing all of this, only he gets the best view. He is so right. I miss him so much, I love him more than anything.

I had to add the pictures below because this was the hat that went with his 4th outfit that was clearly the perfect size for his head. I was laughing so hard at him. The picture on the left he was kind of smiling because I was laughing and then the picture on the right looks like he is a little concerned as to why I was STILL laughing. I miss these days.

 

Not much else has been going on over here. We have went fishing a couple of times and Josh and a friend went swimming at the lake one night but other than that we have just been taking it easy.

Sometimes when I'm inside cleaning or doing whatever I look outside and see how summery it looks and how it just makes me want to go outside and do something fun. So as I try and make that happen but then start getting attacked by flying creatures, and start sweating because it is freakishly hot, and sneeze a whole bunch because of these super fun allergies, I am quickly reminded that Summer is not my favorite and wonder when Fall is. Most days I just enjoy the outside, from the inside. That works for me. :)

Jumping off where it says "no jumping" breaking the rules, such daredevils! 

First cast, first fish

 First fish of the year for me!

so pretty

So my due date is exactly two months from today. I am so nervous but also very excited. This baby moves so much I just love feeling it's punches and kicks. I can't wait to hold him/her and start that bond that I have missed so much.

I know I know, I am gigantic. How in the world is there going to be enough room for two more months! We had an ultrasound a little while ago just kind of a picture day because the baby didn't want to show it's face off at the one prior but this time it was ready to be seen. The ultrasound shows that the baby is growing a pound ahead of schedule but you can never be sure because the ultrasound also measures air. But the lady said it's a little on the chubbier side, which to me means, bigger cheeks to kiss on. If you haven't caught on we still don't know the gender but we are kind of both leaning towards boy for some reason. I am so thankful and blessed that I am so happy either way. To me, after everything Josh and I have gone through, the gender is the very least of my worries and I am truly grateful with a boy or a girl.

I am so blessed to get to be able to be a mom. I can't believe I am about to be the mother of two. That makes me so happy, I am so much looking forward to hopefully being the mommy of five. That's up to God though. So far, I am so thankful to get to be the mom of Kaizen, and this little baby Bolinder.

Have a wonderful rest of the week everyone!

Lions, Tigers, and........okay just Bears, but oh my!

So I have a problem. I don't want to bore you with my boring life and write a blog everyday about nothing so I don't, but then everything happens at once and then I am writing a big long post of tons of stuff that we have done and sometimes leave out a ton of details because I don't want to make the post extremely long. I apologize for this. I apologize for my drastically long blog posts. I really hope this one isn't too too long.

So the last post I talked about Josh's birthday and his gift of golf clubs that we were both looking forward to using. Well the next day we ended up going golfing. It was my first time ever at a real golf course. I have been mini golfing but never the real life thing with golf carts and all! It was fun. Josh tried to teach me the proper form and swing and I must say.....I am definitely not the best, very far from actually. But nonetheless I had fun, and practice makes perfect....right?

so pretty

just look at that form

We had a lot of fun and I am very much looking forward to going again.

Shortly after that, we decided to make a trip to Wyoming/Utah. Let me explain....

We still have a house in Wyoming that has been for sale for quite some time. A little less than a year ago, we had a family that wanted to do a rent to buy option. They would rent it until they got the money to buy it. We weren't sure about it but ended up agreeing but with the understanding that the house would stay on the market. I must say....BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!

It all started about a month or two after they moved in they became late with their payments every month. Not just days late but weeks late. Then we were informed by our realtor that the house was looking a little trashed around the outside and a little inside along with the smell of smoke inside, which was clearly stated in the contract that this wasn't okay. When the realtor would show the house, our renter was always there and would say things to the potential buyer about things she didn't like about the house, to drive them away from buying it. We finally decided to send a letter of eviction.

So the trip to Wyoming was to see what the damages to the house were. We were furious when we went inside and saw that the carpets looked ruined, stains everywhere, in every room! Some of the walls in the bedrooms had holes in them and writing on them. Not only that but some of our things in our "locked" shed were stolen. I put "locked" in quotations because they removed the lock so kindly for us.

So Josh's mother came with her carpet cleaners, so thankful for her, and cleaned the carpets while Josh and I patched holes and painted some rooms. I felt bad because I couldn't do much painting so Josh did most but it got done and the house looks 10 times better!

I have to say......lesson learned with that one!

The house was just shown yesterday, a clean, freshly painted, empty house and our realtor said they were interested so we shall keep our fingers crossed! It just sucks because our realtor told us she could have sold the house multiple times if it wasn't for the renters pushing people away. But all is well. We have not been able to get a hold of those people but I wish them well. I hope they will see that what they did was wrong and learn from it. May God bless them.

After we took care of that mess, we were able to spend time with our families. Josh went golfing twice with a few friends and I spent a little time with my wonderful family. I miss them so much when we are apart. I absolutely love getting together with them, and I am so thankful for them. They love me so much that they sacrifice their time and plans just to spend time with little ol' me. I just love hanging out with my beautiful sisters where we can just talk about boys (Rylee), husbands (Kassidy), babies, (Kristina and Kassidy), and just life in general......our trials and hardships, our adventures and happiness, our futures! I love them along with my mom and dad so much!

I forgot to mention, on our way to Wyoming, we went through Yellowstone National Park. We heard it was a good time to see some wildlife. Guess what guys?....we saw two bears! Ahh! This is exciting to me because I have never seen a bear in the wild before. I mean I have went to bear world and saw them there but never out in the wilderness just doing their own thing before. It was pretty cool! We saw a grizzly bear at one location and then about 20-30 miles from that we saw a brown bear!

Grizzly Bear:

Brown Bear:

As for the pregnancy, so far so good. I am feeling great and still moving around pretty well.

This last Monday I turned 28 weeks, almost 30 weeks yay! I will soon be posting a 7 month old belly.

gettin' big....yikes!

Since I will be having this baby in Utah, I am looking for photographers in Utah for a newborn photo shoot so if any of you have any recommendations, it would be truly appreciated. I don't like to plan things when it comes to babies because you never know what will happen or when they decide to come but it is always nice to have a place in mind. We are getting pretty excited, still extremely nervous but excited. I already have the diaper bag ready so that kind of tells you how prepared I would like to be. I love watching my stomach and seeing it move. It reminds me of how much I loved it when Kaizen was in there, it makes me miss him so so much!

 I can't wait to share more adventures with you all!

Have a fantastic weekend!



Birthday and other fun

A few weeks ago my mom, dad, and little sister Rylee came here to stay with us for a week! I loved it! It was so fun having them here and letting them see a little how we live. When it wasn't raining, my mom and Ry helped me put in a little flower garden next to our house. We needed something there rather than the big pile of wood that was there before. It turned out so cute! They also helped me clean out one of our sheds that was just piled full of stuff and not organized at all. Thinking about it now I really wish I would have taken before and after pictures to show you how bad they both were but I guess you will just have to trust me when I say it was bad. When it was time for them to leave, I was definitely sad. A lot of people are around loud so much that they vie to have some peace and quiet. For me, it's so quiet here so much of the time I love when loudness comes around. I really didn't want them to leave! But thankfully they made a safe trip back to Coalville and I will be seeing them again soon.

seriously...my mom's the best!

We also made a little step stone path that leads to one of our sheds.

This last Saturday, Sidney had a circus come to town. It was definitely no Ringling Brothers but it was still entertaining. I went with my sister-in-law and her two kids, it was a lot of fun.

Then..... Yesterday was Josh's birthday! He and one of my best friends share the same birthday....Happy Birthday Katie! So poor Josh didn't get home from work until 6:00 yesterday morning, he worked all night. I have had his gifts wrapped and sitting in the back bedroom for the longest time and HE being so excited to open them......ok by he I may mean me......I ran to the back and grabbed them shortly after he came inside.

I think he was a little excited too haha....

When my family was up here a few weeks ago, they got him something and wrapped it as well so here is the one my family got him.....

A razor! He has been wanting one of these! Ya did good fam!

Then it was my gift.....

This picture makes me laugh because he really thought he was getting a big remote control helicopter and this is the moment he found out that wasn't the case!

But he said the golf clubs were just as good. He was unwrapping and trying them out for a while before he decided he probably should take a little nap before his brother and his family came over for dinner.

I love him! Happy Birthday Sweetie!!

So I took a little nap with him, then spent a good majority of my time making this bad boy......

Ok.....top and bottom "bun"- 9in. round confetti cake (Josh's favorite kind of cake) frosted with homemade chocolate butter cream frosting, "ttomatoes"- ssugar cookies with red colored frosting, "cheese"- just frosting dyed orangish, "hamburger pattie"- brownie, "lettuce"- little gummy candies.

I had so much fun making this, and you should have seen my kitchen during the process......total madhouse!

It was pretty good tasting as well......just scrape a lot of frosting off and your good. lol!

I think Charlie wanted a bite!

I didn't get a picture of dinner, but I told Josh I would make him whatever he wanted and he decided on homemade Chinese! Sweet and sour chicken and fried rice. You guys need to try this it is easy and delicious....try the recipe here

All in all I think the day went great! Now just to wait for a nice day that Josh has off and we can try out those golf clubs!

I also have to mention......you know my last post about the dream.....well shortly after my dreams, Josh had a dream that he will never forget and now that he has shared it with me, it will be one I won't forget either. I think Heavenly Father and Kaizen wanted to make sure he didn't get left out. I don't want to share his dream though, but we have been talking about him doing a little post on my blog soon so maybe he will share it then. :)

I hope you all have a fantastic week!!

The Dream.....

So on May 6th we had an ultrasound and I gotta tell you I was kind of hoping the ultrasound tech would accidentally spill the beans on the gender! I have been pretty good with not finding out, I'm not really obsessing over it at all, not really nervous if I am going to have enough stuff if it does come out a girl because things just have their way of working out. I think I have done pretty good. But laying there on the table with that little thing maneuvering on by belly and looking at the screen and just knowing that she could tell us if it is a boy or a girl within minutes was very tempting to me!

 She asked us at the beginning before she even started if we were wanting to find out the gender and we both shook our heads and sternly, but politely, said no we do not. She smiled and continued to check everything from its cute little head to it's tiny little toes. Everything looks great and the baby is growing right on track. At the end, I asked her if she knows what the gender is. She smiled and said yes and asked if we were changing our minds. We quickly said no no we were just wondering. She just laughed but secretly in my head I was thinking yes yes just tell us....but accidentally. But alas she kept it to herself and we went home knowing nothing more about the gender than when we arrived.

If you can't tell this is a picture of the baby's head. You can see it's two eyes, it's little nose, it's lips, and if you look close enough, Josh and I think that it's chin has a little dimple in it....just like Kaizen's. :) It's little hand is right by it's cheek. It's a tiny human in there!!

We are getting excited! Four more months!

Yesterday we took our Australian Shepperd/Black Lab mix named Buckley to the lake. This dog loves the water! I am so excited for our children to grow up with him. He loves kids and will definitely try to protect them. Last year when we took him to the lake we wanted to see what he would do if I was to ever drown. So I swam out a little way and started flapping my arms and acting like I was drowning...... this amazing dog swam out to me, turned around in front of me, waited for me to grab a hold of him and swam me back to shore. Josh and I were both amazed! We wondered if it was just a coincidence so a little while later I swam back out and acted again.....and there he came again to my rescue.

A couple years before that we took him with us to Flaming Gorge, Josh and I got in the water and started swimming to the island off the shore a little way, he started swimming with us but didn't want to go all the way so he layed on the shore and waited for us. When we were coming back, Josh was swimming faster than me and reached the shore first. As he started to walk out of the water, Buckley freaked out and would not let him out. He was barking and jumping up in front of him blocking his way. It wasn't until I got out of the water that he calmed down and started acting normal again. He just wanted to make sure I was safe. I love that dog!

I really want to share with you guys of the dream I had lately. It has helped me so much in the last couple days it is unreal. I just feel like it should be shared and not just held in my head.

I think about Kaizen a thousand, if not more, times a day. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I smile, and sometimes I even let out a little giggle thinking about our times together. I miss him so so much. I struggle sometimes with letting myself be happy, letting myself enjoy new things when I know he is not here to enjoy them with me. I sometimes think what if he is looking down at us and seeing us laugh and be happy and think they must not have loved me? I struggle with this and not allowing myself to find joy in things that in the past would have. I pray every night to him and to Heavenly Father letting him know how much I love him and miss him. I pray that his is happy and that I will know this.

Heavenly Father answers our prayers! I have a personal testimony of this. The Lord knows about my struggle which brings me to my dream that I know came from Heavenly Father.....and Kaizen.

I was following this little girl up some stairs in an old, and what people called haunted house. She looked back at me and said, "you probably don't want to follow me where I am going" When I finally reached her she told me to stop and look. There was a closed door and she pointed to the bottom of the door where we saw this wisp of air come out. We both got scared and ran down the stairs. As I was about to open the door to leave the house, I was prompted to turn around. When I turned I saw this ghostly spirit coming towards me. I wasn't scared though, I felt calm. I beheld a woman, she had on an old dress, her curly brownish-red hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail. She smiled at me and I did the same. I asked her if I could shake her hand, she said yes and held out her hand but I remember not feeling anything. In my dream I thought that it was amazing that I can see this spirit standing in front of me just as I would be had it been real life. But with all the amazement I had only one thing on my mind to ask her, and so I did.

I asked her if she knew Kaizen? Kaizen Bolinder? She smiled at me and said yes. I smiled with tears in my eyes and asked her if he was happy. She told me that he is so happy. She said the day he passed away there were so many people waiting for him in heaven. More than he was expecting. I felt a sudden peace come over my body. I remember asking one more time, so he is happy? She gave me that reconfirming smile and answered, yes. That is all I remember of that dream. I think I woke up after that.

When I awoke, I didn't remember the dream right away. It wasn't until Josh was telling me about the book he was reading that the dream made itself known in my mind.

I have felt different these last few days. Like I know without a shadow of a doubt that Kaizen is happy. That he wants us to be happy. That he wants me to find joy and allow myself to open up to the world again, to allow myself to laugh without feeling guilty, to know that he is not looking down saddened by our laughter but rejoices at it. I feel so blessed. I feel like I have a good life, a happy life....something I haven't felt since that angel left this world. I would love to say my life is perfect, but perfect means trial free, sin free, evil free, and that's just not the case. I have trials in my life, and there is sin and evil all around us but I feel blessed to have the life I have been given. I feel blessed to know that at least one of my children made it back to Heavenly Father. I am ever so blessed to have the gospel in my life and to know of a surety of the power of prayer.

I feel also after writing that I should share another experience.

I think a lot about how much I want Kaizen to be with us when we have this baby, how I want to feel like our family is whole and how I just want to feel him there with me. I had a dream about a week ago that we were in the delivery room and they put the baby in my arms, I remember feeling so happy but not completely. After holding the baby for a few seconds I glanced up and I saw Jesus Christ holding Kaizen in the corner of the room. He was in a white robe and they were both softly glowing. Jesus smiled at me and I stared and smiled back and felt happiness completely. In my dream, I remember telling Josh what I saw afraid that he wouldn't believe me. But he had no question that I saw them and he wept and hugged me and the baby feeling that complete happiness too.

This made me so happy and when I awoke and told Josh of it I wished so much that it had happened in real life. But maybe the dream was all I needed to be assured that when that time does come, he will be there, whether I see him or not.

When I look at this picture it makes me think of what angels must look like.

I love his beautiful glowing face. So pure.

I want to thank all of you for coming in to our lives. I truly feel like people come into our lives for a reason, always for a reason, even if we go our whole lives without knowing it.

When you start feeling like your life isn't the best. The best advice I have is to first pray. Pray, pray, pray! And then start counting your blessings. Remember all of the things you do have and all of the things that bless your life. Hug your beautiful children, tell them that you love them. Let them be silly and do things that irritate you. Be patient and kind. Give your spouse a kiss and go out on a date. Marry that person that you know you won't be able to live without. Tell your mom and dad how much they mean to you. After all...........the only thing that we have left when we leave this world, the only thing that we get to take with us to the other side of the veil, is our families.