SoMe NeWs....and my thoughts

So I thought I would just start with a little update in what has been happening in our lives... We haven't really been doing much mostly because it's still pretty cold outside but we did just get back from Utah visiting our families. Josh went lion hunting and got a pretty good sized female! He sent me some pictures of the lion before he shot it...after I saw the lion in the tree I just thought about how I would have been so scared if I were there and saw that! I asked him if he was nervous and he said his heart was pounding a bit. Oh I could only imagine.

I went to the paint mixer in Park City with two of my sisters, my aunt, and some other nice ladies. It was so fun. I was nervous as to how my painting would turn out because I don't paint, I don't think I have ever really sat down to paint something, but I have to tell you...it was the most relaxing thing I have done in a while. The lady just showed us how to do the painting step by step, then she would play music and let us just paint away, changing anything to how we wanted it. It was awesome and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to try something different.

left: Kassidy's middle: mine right: Kristina's

A few weeks ago was my nephew's baptism. I love being able to watch a baptism even more so when it is a family member, it is so personal and I could just feel my heart smile. It is wonderful to be able to witness such an amazing thing and watch how a proud father gets to baptise is own child. I just know the Lord was there and so happy for them that day.

So onto "my thoughts" as mentioned in the title. I have been thinking of a lot of things and while I could just leave all of these thoughts in my head....I would much rather share them with you.

I have been pondering so much about my baby Kaizen. I think about him every day but lately I have been thinking about the little things about him, the happy things, the sad things, just every tiny thing about him. I miss him so much and some days it is so hard for me to get out of bed and face the day without him. I know where he is, I am not worried about how he is doing because I know he is just fine. It's thinking about how he was when he was here and how the memories and pictures I have is all I have to live on for the rest of my life.....and it sucks! While I see these pictures of all the grand kids and great grand kids that our grandparents have hanging on the wall in their houses, I look at all the different facial features of each child.....I see my Kaizen's picture sitting there with all the rest and it hurts knowing that each of those pictures will change into older children with different faces except his. His will remain the same, nothing changed.

I remember having a conversation with my dad when I was a young teenager. I remember him saying to me that when people die, their families are so sad, that they wish the world would stop turning but it doesn't, that they have to move on, they keep that lost loved one in their heart and they keep living. After Josh and I have gone through this, in loosing our son, I can see that my dad was right. That the world doesn't stop turning, that we have to keep living and that is honestly the hardest part. Keep living.....keep getting up in the morning, going to work, going to the grocery store, having a conversation with someone without tears in your eyes.....it's so hard.

I know that people who haven't....thankfully...had to loose a child, don't know what we are feeling, what we are going through, and the only way I can think to explain it to someone is to have them think about a nightmare they have had of their kids.....because I know as parents, most of us have had them.....that nightmare when something happens to your precious little ones and you can't breathe, you feel so sick, and you can't stop crying....but then you wake up and realize it was all a dream and run to kiss your children thankful they are still here. The difference is.....we don't get to wake up.....we don't get to sit up thinking thank goodness that was a dream. We live it every morning. Our daily routines are completely different than when Kaizen was here. I remember a blog I wrote a long time ago....feeling so happy, thinking about how I couldn't remember my life before Kaizen and I didn't really care to because I didn't want that life before him. I honestly never thought I would have to live it again. But here I am, here we are, living that life.

I hope I am not sounding like I want sympathy or anything because that is not my intentions, these are just my thoughts and even though it has almost been half a year since he went to live with Heavenly Father, it is still so hard. I miss everything about that little boy. He still is touching people's lives though, I still here about people who have been affected by the little angel Josh and I created and it makes me so happy. He had such a grand purpose on this Earth and Heavenly Father knew that he wouldn't need to be here long. I can feel Kaizen's love for me and Josh. I know he wants us to keep living, and I know he has helped Heavenly Father bless us with this......

  

 annddd......for the "some news" part. We are expecting another little one in September......if it wants to come on it's due date it will be on the 16th. I really need to quick take my 3 month picture....oops. I am not quite four months yet so we are good! I know Kaizen has helped Heavenly Father pick us someone amazing.

I have to share with you the day we found out. I don't remember if I had mentioned how we found out with Kaizen but long story short, Josh told me I was pregnant....I took the test thought it said negative and into the trash it went. Josh came home and I told him I took one but it was negative but he wanted to see it and low and behold he showed me that it was actually positive....silly me! With this baby....sorry about the TMI....but I felt like my period was going to come because I was getting back aches like I normally do. Josh just told me he had a feeling I was pregnant and I kept telling him......my back hurts so I am pretty sure I am not. He urged me to take a pregnancy test and so I did.....he was right again. He was laying on the bed and I was in the bathroom.....he was just waiting.....I opened the door with tears in my eyes and told him it was positive. We both started crying, it was so emotional, I could just feel the love we had for each other and I could feel Kaizen crying with joy with us. We immediately bent to our knees and said a prayer to our Lord in Heaven thanking him for what he has done and praying for health for this little miracle.

How we are feeling..... well this baby....along with Kaizen was planned and I have to tell you....that was the longest three months of my life. I am not going to even feel sorry for myself because I know people try and try for years and months is nothing to them. I love those people and pray for them so much. I know Heavenly Father felt it was time for us to have another one and if he needed to give us three months that is fine with me. We are nervous but we are trying to be as happy as possible. We are scared because we don't want to have to do this again but we are trying to stay positive and reassuring each other that all will be okay.

I love Kaizen so much and sometimes worry how much love will be left to give, but he constantly reassures me there is more.....even when he is in Heaven he helps it grow. I love this baby so much all ready and I haven't even seen it's face.

We are planning on not finding out the gender....making it a surprise. We have names picked out either way and now we are just waiting for September. I find myself wishing Kaizen was here and wishing he could be celebrating this wonderful thing with us, but I know that he has already had conversations with this little one, already told him/her about who we are and what we are all about. I can see him reassuring this baby that we are good, that we will take care of him/her....love it, care for it, protect it, do all we can for it. What a wonderful big brother he is. I can't wait to keep updating on this baby and it's progress and mine. I am happy. We are happy. And we know Kaizen is happy.

I am so thankful I have Josh in my life. He has such a wonderful spirit and he is so strong for me even though I know its tough for him to be sometimes. He is my rock and he helps me up when I feel like life is just to hard to stand. With this second baby I feel as though I have a lot less energy, I get tired a lot more than usual and Josh never complains. He cooks dinner more than a man should have to especially with his job.

I had enough energy to take a picture....that's all. Lol

 I can feel how much he loves me, how much he cherishes me, and how much he is so thankful I am his wife. He tells me all the time how much he needs me and doesn't know what he would do without me. He tells me these things even though dinner isn't cooked, the house isn't clean, things aren't how I normally like them because I am just too tired to do them....and he needs me?? What a wonderful man I have been blessed to have as my husband, the father of our kids. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. We have been through so much together, we have been through things that can tear families apart and they have only created a bond between us that is indescribable. So many times I cry on his shoulder wondering why things happened, what could have been changed, and he always finds the words to make me feel better. Always, always bringing God into the conversation, making me remember how much he loves us, how much he has blessed us. He opens my eyes when I feel like they were almost glued shut.

 I don't like to say he was a father or I was a mother because we still are. I am so excited to watch him with this baby. He was so good to Kaizen. Changing just as many diapers as me. He offered to feed him and I could see why he did. I would watch him feed Kaizen and watch them just stare at each other. I could see how much they loved each other and it melted my heart.

Believe it or not.......I am thankful for the trials in our life. I am thankful of the faith Heavenly Father has in us to put us through such trials. I am so grateful for the knowledge we have of the afterlife. We are so thankful for the Plan of Salvation. I feel as though it is the only thing that gets me through some days. I am so grateful for the gospel in our lives and being able to be married to a worthy priesthood holder. I am looking forward to being with Kaizen again. There are things that are confusing about what happens after we die but when I think about the day when Kaizen and I are reunited I see me rising up and I see my family and Jesus walking towards me, I see Jesus holding Kaizen in his arms and passing him to me and I am so happy. Kaizen and I smile and just pick up where we left off.

I will be writing again soon!

Here is a good quote for those of you who are struggling.....



Also here are some other quotes I love.....

This is so stinkin cute!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!





Superbowl!

So I hosted the superbowl party at my house again! It was so fun! I really enjoyed preparing the food and most of all eating it! It was a great time spent with some great people! I wish I would have taken more pictures of the food but they were seriously being eaten as fast as I put them out! I loved it!

Football Cake Pops!! They are so so good! Josh thinks they taste like ho ho's.

To the left there are some "fried" (baked) pickles and then mini taco cups!

Mexican pinwheels! yum!

Monkey bread!

On the menu and not in pictures....

Slow cooker ribs

"fried" (baked) mozzarella sticks

tuna macaroni salad

Abbie brought some delicious spinach dip and an oreo crispie dessert!

This is the first superbowl in many years that I have been wrong! I always pick the winning team but oh well! Here is to next year!

Hope you all have a great rest of the weekend!

Thought for the day.....

miss and love you so much KZ!

Our Christmas/New Year trip

Hey Everyone!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year Celebration! We spent ours in Coalville, Utah....well the majority of the time we did anyway! :) We enjoyed spending time with our families and know they enjoyed having us there as well. I am hoping not to make this post too long but there is a few things I would just lloovvee to share with you guys!

For Christmas this year...... for my mom and older sister Kristina, I decided to go a little DIY on them. I made my mom a chalkboard menu board and my sister a chalkboard calender! Let me just tell you guys....it was sooo fun......time consuming......but fun!

I started with a piece of wood.....that seriously took me awhile to find! We had to go to a few hardware stores around good ol' Sidney until I found the perfect one! I sanded it and then stained it. I stained it because my mom finally after about 20 years got her brand new kitchen! It is absolutely gorgeous and I wish I had pictures to show you. But alas I do not, but we will be visiting again soon and I shall remember! So anywho.....this stain color is almost identical to her cabinets! All I had to work with was a close up cell phone picture of the cabinets and Bam! It was a match!

After I stained it I taped off what would be the days of the week plus a spot for notes and a spot for a shopping list. Then I painted with primer.

I then painted with chalkboard paint......annnddd....here is where I screwed up!  So I used a little foam brush to paint in which I had to do what seemed like fifty coats. Then a little light bulb went off in my head........ and when I say light bulb I mean my husband and his smartness..... saying "hey! Lets use a roller" Duh! But unfortunately it was a little too late and the paint had already bled through underneath the tape.

But.......another light bulb went off.....and this time it was my own smartness......and I decided to use scrapbook paper mod-podged on to create the dividers! It turned out awesome!

Plus come to find out.....because I failed to think about it before I put the paper on.....my mother's accent colors in her kitchen are...du du du......Yellow and Red!

For Kristina's it was a little easier because I used the roller and had to do only two coats. And I decided to stick with the scrapbook paper idea on hers as well.

And I was told by a little bird....aka...Kassidy.....that her accent color in her house is Red!

Ok so how I gave them their gifts......I made these gigantic gift tags made from my cricut with a little hint of what they were getting..... I tied them to chalk wrapped in wrapping paper!

I am not really sure what they thought when they opened these! lol!

When they opened them I said something like... "hmm chalk?? What could you possibly use that for?"

I have no pictures of their reactions when they received these beauties because

A: I was so excited I pretty much threw the camera and ran to the other side of the house yelling "I CANNOT WAIT ANY LONGER!" and

B: because.....I'm not really sure...... I just felt like I needed a "B" but bottom line! I was too excited!

I also made some DIY body/facial scrub! I don't know I was just in the DIY mood....



So I am not going to go into what I got everybody for Christmas nor what I got for Christmas because I just think that is kind of rude! But I do have to share a couple things I got that have to do with my sweet baby Kaizen because they created a smile on my face.....and some tears snuck in as well!

So Josh called up his mom and asked her if she would make this.....

He gave her his ideas and over the phone they came up with this! His mom did such an amazing job and I really will treasure it forever! I love it so much!

So I have to tell you.....normally Christmas I guess what Josh is giving me or he just gives it to me early because he is too excited to wait. This year.....neither happened! I did not get it early and my guesses were not even close!

I am so thankful for my husband. He cares so much about me and though he is still having a hard time himself, he remains strong and is always there for me when I just want to cry and cry and cry. He knows I hurt and he always comforts me and talks to me.....or rather lets me talk to him..... whenever I need to.

He got me this ring from Morgan Jewelers.....it is Kaizen's birthstone! I have been actually looking for a ring or a necklace or something that has Kaizen's birthstone but could not find anything. I didn't even think he knew I was looking but he found it! It is beautiful and I never leave the house without it!

We also had a few parties! Every year Josh's family has a Christmas Eve party and it is always so fun! It was in the evening so we got to go visit my grandma in the morning/early afternoon.....

The brothers-in-law felt they needed to have a little arm wrestling challenge. You know being a new cop and all he had to show Josh up....lol jk Jake we love you and seriously you are awesome! We couldn't really determine a winner because Jake was already pretty worn out because he arm wrestled my dad right before.

I am kicking myself because I didn't get to the camera in time but it was intense! My dad and Jake were going at it! Jake put up a really tough fight as my dad drug him across the carpet! haha!

We had a great time just visiting, eating, and just spending time together!

I do have to show you what my Aunt Tammy gave me for Christmas....

  

I love this necklace and also never leave the house without it! I am not sure if you can read it but the back says "Our Angel Kaizen"

So after visiting at my Grandma's house we ventured over to Cody and Michelle Downard's house for the Christmas Eve party....

This guy...... I just love him! :) Such a wonderful man!

Getting ready for the dice game

The kids played a little game afterwards...

and got to choose from tons and tons of prizes!

The adults also played a little game....

Try to get the toilet paper on the scrub brush....first the girls had the brush then they boys did....

Winners: Riley and Holly and me and Josh!

Then.....Santa came.....

Josh got to sit on Santa's lap this year....

Cody and Michelle's house is absolutely beautiful! It was yet another great Christmas Eve party! :)

On Christmas we got to watch each other open our gifts.....Look at this kid.....

Jack was so excited for what Santa brought him!

Baby KZ also got a gift.....

I made this chalkboard sign for his grave so that anyone can leave a message.... :)

I got to spend a little time with three of my very best friends! I love getting together with them.....each time is an adventure! We started off at Brittnee's house then ended up at Carissa's! We had such an awesome time reminiscing on past memories and just being crazy! I love them so much and whether they know it or not...they always make my day brighter! Even if two of us are in different states now, we can still get together.....maybe not as easily as before.....and laugh like we never stopped! I love them all so very much!

For the New Year's Eve Celebration, Jake, Josh, Kassidy, and I first went and worked out at the gym (starting the year off right) then we went over to my mom's and had a little Wii bowling tournament and a little Just Dance 3 dance off....

Out of courtesy of others.....and myself....I will not post that video! :)

Josh, myself, and my dad stayed up.....playing Hay Day on our ipads and kind of sort of watched a little New Years Eve stuff on T.V.!

It was a fun celebration! On New Years we went to my Grandma Pentz's for a celebration and played games and ate (obviously) It was a lot of fun.......too fun to take pictures!

Remember last January I posted a Resolutions post? Well I want to see how well I fulfilled those goals.....I will write last years goals followed by how well I achieved them....

 1. Be the best mom I can be!...Kaizen is my world...and I want nothing more than for him to grow up knowing his mommy loved him and took good care of him.

O this goal......it was fulfilled! Kaizen may not have stayed long but he did grow up.... to be 11 months old and I know that he knew I loved him and I know he was happy I was chosen to be his mom. I love him with ALL of my heart....I know this because it feels broke now that we are....temporarily.....separated. I took wonderful care of him and I was fully....fully prepared to spend the rest of my life doing so....God had different plans though....he was needed somewhere else. This last year may have been pretty dang tough towards the end but because he was here most of that year.....it was the best year of my life!

     2. Read my scriptures every night no matter what!....I feel so good during and after I read my scriptures....like in that moment I became so close to my Heavenly Father.... I need to do this more.

Guys.....this goal was also fulfilled! After the first three days of reading, it became habit and now I feel so weird if I don't read! I am so happy I made this a goal because you don't know how many times as I read..... my prayers, my questions and wonders were answered!

     3. Kneel down to pray, rather than just praying while I'm lying in bed...... don't be lazy...that simple! I feel like I have more of a bond with God when I kneel to pray.

Again.....fulfilled! Josh and I kneel down to pray every single night at the end of our bed. When Kaizen was here we would kneel down at his bed and hold his hands and pray. I loved it....I miss it!

     4. Don't sweat the small stuff....let things that used to bother you so much be no more!

I am not so sure this was fulfilled. I still get bothered by little things. I would like to think it's not my fault.....after all God is the one that gave me sensitive heart. :)



     5 .Eat healthy!... I have a problem with either not eating at all....and when I do eat, its not very healthy. I need to work on this because I want Kaizen to be getting the proper nutrients he needs through my breast milk...this goes along with resolution number one. :)

So unfortunately Kaizen didn't get to breastfeed for very long due to some complications but when he was I would like to think I ate pretty healthy. But there were a few months towards the end of the year I pretty much didn't eat anything! But that has been since fixed since about end of November where I now have a personal trainer that I work with twice a week and she gives me really good pointers on what to eat and what not to eat! So I have been doing pretty good with that.

     6. Be the best wife I can be!... Josh is such a good guy and I know I can be frustrating at times so...this is something I will work on.

I like to think this goal was fulfilled. I did a pretty good job at the wife thing this year but maybe Josh will have to get on here and do a post and who knows....the story might change. :) I say there is ALWAYS room for improvement in every marriage.

     7. Be more organized!... I would say I am pretty organized in some areas....for instance, all of our movies are organized in alphabetical order, my shoes are organized from boots to dress shoes, to tennis shoes, and so forth.... all of my hangers in my closet have to be white so they don't take away from the colorful clothes that hang on them.....all my clothes in my closet are color coordinated...some may call this OCD which might be so..but I gotta tell you its so much easier to pick out clothes for the day when they are organized this way. When it comes to paperwork...bills, invoices, etc. I am not the best at organization so I really need to work on this!

This was fulfilled guys!! We got a desk, some filing cabinets, and Voila no more clutter! Things became organized....and the scary part about it is that it is actually fun now to do paperwork....I know.....Yuck!

     8. AND....the last one is....when I set goals....become determined to accomplish them!.....maybe if I set this as a resolution/goal it will get done. ;)

Again did a pretty good job. :)

So now it is a new year and unfortunately I cannot be like some and just throw the past year behind me and move on. Mostly because although that September month and months afterwards are so very very hard......I never want to forget this last year. I never want to forget the year that I got to spend some of my time here with an angel, with a baby that was so perfect, perfect beyond measure, with a little miracle that changed my life so much! I never want to forget that little thing that I helped create! He is mine....he is Josh's for eternity!

With this next year though.....I hope to find more healing, I hope to do more service, I hope to be a good person and love as He loves us!

Thank you for reading and sharing with me this life.... I wish you all peace, love, healing, and happiness this year!

I hope you enjoy these quotes that I found.....